添削見本
Explanation of MarksMARK ..............................MEANING
[ ]..................................... Insert a letter, word or phrase.
/....................................... Delete a letter, word, or phrase.
Bolded words ............. Change or move a word or phrase.
[sp]................................. Correct a spelling error.
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Score: 93
Grader: Bill
Checker: RM
YOUR VERSION:
>Following our telephone conversation yesterday I am writing to apologise for the inconvenience caused to you.
After checking our paperwork we discovered that you wrote Tuesday, 7 August and Thursday, 9 August in your fax. So we made your booking on Tuesday and Thursday by following the days of the week, not by following the dates you mentioned.
we have now changed our office procedures and all future bookings by fax will be confirmed by telephone with the clients.
we are happy to refund the differences and refund charge as you requested. Please contact this office with details of your bank account in order that we may make a transfer.
If you have any queries, please contact us any time.
Thank you very much for using Top Travels. We hope we will be able to serve you again.
CORRECTIONS: [Dear Ms. Fraccio,]
Following our telephone conversation yesterday[,] I am writing to apologise for the inconvenience caused to you [by the mix-up in the dates for your airline reservation].
After checking our paperwork we discovered that you wrote Tuesday, 7 August and Thursday, 9 August in your fax. So we made your booking on Tuesday and Thursday by following the days of the week, not by following the dates you mentioned. [This was an oversight on our part.] We have now changed our office procedures and all future bookings by fax will be confirmed by telephone with the clients.
We are happy to refund the differences [in ticket prices] and refund [the additional airline fee] as you requested. Please contact this office with details of your bank account in order that we may make a transfer.
If you have any queries, please contact us any time.
Thank you very much for using Top Travels. We hope we will be able to serve you again.
COMMENTS:
You need a salutation to open this letter. The salutation that I inserted (Dear Ms. Fraccio) works well to address a person you don't know well.
I added by the mix-up . . . to makes this sentence more specific.
Your letter implies that Top Travel was at fault in this situation, but it does not directly state this fact. I added "This was an oversight on our part" to make it clear that your company takes responsibility for not double-checking the dates of the airline reservation. Also, note that I combined the closely related ideas into one paragraph.
When referring to refunding money, it is best to be as specific as possible so that there are no misunderstandings. I added in ticket prices and changed charge to the additional airline fee so that Ms. Fraccio knows exactly which amounts will be refunded.
CLOSING COMMENTS:
You did a great job of apologizing to the customer without sounding overly humble. I also like the way that you brought up the customer's error without sounding accusing or negative. Most of my changes were to make your letter slightly more specific.
